September 10, 2018 by Kgalalelo
Life's journey is never ending. I thought i had gone through enough experiences in my twenties to prepare me for my thirties and then forties and though some preparation has occurred and I believe that I am a better person now then I was before, the fact is that, there is still more to learn, remember and heal. It is hard sometimes even if you think that you might be a guru in a certain field or discipline; once in a while the things that you have learnt and keep on teaching others, are things that you have to be reminded of as well.
I found myself once again experiencing difficulties in my relations with the people that I love in a short period of a week. I felt resistance and disagreement in my heart towards everything that was suggested, required and expected of me. I felt that if I agreed for their sake, I would be compromising myself. I have learnt that compromising oneself to avoid disappointing others equals disappointment nonetheless. I would be disappointing myself and would soon feel resentment and bitterness on-wards.
The road to healing is never complete. I found myself re-experiencing old feelings again and my mind was raising up and down and all over the place because if wasn't peaceful. We live in the mind; if the mind is not peaceful, your entire world is chaotic. Your world is in your mind, it is the thoughts that you think from the time you wake up in the morning to the time that you sleep at night. If you are like me, there are many times that my waking thoughts are those of concern, worry and stress and I would spiral down as I take a bath, clothe and prepare breakfast. If we could all see in the spirit, where these thoughts are, we might be frightened at our own thinking patterns.
When you have disagreements with the people that you love, you can feel the energy changing even if people can say that they have accepted your decision and are fine with it. You can feel the gap; the phone calls become less than usual, the communication shifts and the treatment becomes a bit cold. You are subtly kept at arm's length. You both know that something has shifted and sometimes there is no way you could correct things without undoing or revoking your decision. I often wonder whether we love each other only when we can do things for each other as humans and whether there would come a time when we love each other unconditionally as God loves us. We all expect from each other, it would be a lie to say we never, be it in marriage, at work, friendships, spiritual relations or relations with your own family of birth, there are always hidden expectations of some kind and if we fail to do for each other what is expected, we all feel disappointed and hurt.
At times we try to rectify the situation but we never really get it right because once something happens, there is a change of some kind in the hearts of people. They say 'once bitten twice shy', people try to protect themselves from then on and lose faith in you. They don't want to experience the perceived disappointment or hurt again from you. If you are like me, you would be riddled with guilt for taking a step against something you don't like and this guilt doesn't go away that easily. I guess we are afraid that we might need the other person later in life and they might remind us of what we did or didn't do for them, this is how we are taught. We are ruled by fear to the extent that we settle for the lesser in order not to disappoint another. We want to keep a clean record and be loved even if it means doing things that we feel uncomfortable with. I struggle with things like that too just like any other person. Occasionally I get it right and then again not. At times it takes me longer to forgive myself thinking that another is holding a grudge against me. Is this really how we ought to live? certainly not. There should be a better way and there is a better way and that is through a solid relationship with God.
I run to God all the time and even if I know that His grace is sufficient, at times it is just words in the Bible that doesn't really soothe me. I try hard to repeat them and find scriptures that would make me feel better but the truth is that, there are those times where the words are just silent. It becomes difficult to pray and find comfort. There are times when you feel perhaps if you cried you would feel better and the situation would go away but it doesn't. It is at this point where you need to cry out to the Lord and say I surrender all Lord, please take over. Lyrics are not just written. If the song-writers can tell you the space they were at when they were writing their songs, you would realise that those were not just words but experiences they were going through.
When I write also, it is often based on what I have or am experiencing and being human, sometimes it is difficult no matter how hard I try. I feel overwhelmed and want relief and God is the only one you can run to and find solace. He tells us to trust Him and not humans because He knows all our weaknesses. He knows that we are only doing our best with the knowledge that we have. He understands where you are and where another is and He can bring healing to both in His own way without any compromise. How many people have stood in front of the public to give a speech and thanked people who said 'no' to them as that took them somewhere better. We often hear the words that 'it is better to teach a man to fish than to keep on providing fish for him'. If he knows how to catch his own fish, it eliminates the dependence syndrome. It strengthens another even if at that time it seems unfair and awful.
Healing is indeed a journey, there are old feelings that would come to the surface even though you think that you have conquered them a long time ago. If something comes up, it comes up to be healed. It could be that you thought you were okay but have never dealt with that aspect of your life. We are all walking with holes in our hearts and God can fill them and make the heart whole. There are files in our past that we thought we have forgotten, things that happened in our childhood that affected us thus causing us to behave or react the way we do now. People might judge as always and condemn but often than not, we don't know the entire story. We don't know where people have been and what they've experienced in their walk in life which might be causing them to react as they do.
We are in such a hurry to point a finger and remind each other of the hurt and disappointment and how we cannot trust each other anymore but if we took the time and hand it over to God, miracles can happen and forgiveness becomes easy as we learn to understand what might have motivated a certain reaction. I am not saying it is easy because it is never easy for me. There are times when I was able to let go of the hurt and disappointment of others and continued loving them as if nothing happened; the case of forgive and forget, but there are many other instances that have lingered in my mind and I found it difficult to let go. I would think that I have relinquished them but when the other inflicts pain again, it often brings the whole lot to the surface. In the Bible Peter came to Jesus and asked " Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, "I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy-seven times!" (Matthew 18:22-23).
That's a whole lot of forgiving! Jesus knows that we hold things in our hearts that keeps us away from growing and fulfilling our destinies. He says in Matthew 11: 28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light". Most of us have derailed and are not on the path that God has set forth for us because of the heaviness in our hearts. We have wandered far away from Him and we haven't even begun to live His purpose for our lives. The person who said that the graveyard is the richest place on earth was right. There are many people who died not having executed the strategies that God had given them, made millions they were intended to in order to serve the kingdom; there are books that were never written, songs that were never sung because people were killed by the heaviness in their hearts.
We need to forgive each other over and over again, that is what Jesus was teaching Peter and is teaching us today. For us to live effective lives, we cannot walk around hanging on to pain because it causes disease in our bodies and deters progress in our lives. He knew that we would always falter, stumble and fall and forget even the goodness that others have done for us. God reminded the Israelites in the Bible through His prophets never to forget His laws and commandments but most of them did as soon as the prophet left. These are some of the weaknesses in all of us hence Jesus further says "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye" (Matthew 7: 1-5). After reading this scripture, we could all be guilty. May the God of mercy and grace, help us all.
Footnote: Scriptures taken from the The Holy Bible, New King James Version, 1982: Nashville, TN, Thomas Nelson, Inc. & The ESV Global Study Bible®, ESV® Bible, Copyright © 2012 by Crossway. All rights reserved & The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™
Kgalalelo Saane Mphephuka
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